First: A Few Disclaimers
1. The book I am reading: Preparing Your Daughter For Every Women’s Battle is about teaching your daughter about sex and relationships. So yes – I will be blogging about sex. You’ve been warned.
2. I am reading this book for the second time because I found it had to much info to take in all at once. As I read through it this time, I will be sharing what I am learning. It’s no secret that I don’t have the cleanest sexual history and one of the scariest questions for me is this:
I had good, Christian parents who tried to raise me to do right and I didn’t. So how do I, with the history that I have, raise a daughter who isn’t like that?
So – as I read I will be examining my own past, the things that I learn now that did or did not work when I was yoyng or could have made a difference in my own life had then been available to me. I want to be perfectly clear: my goal is to learn how to raise a daughter who will make better choices then I did – my goal is NOT to blame my own choices on anyone else or to make anyone look bad – especially my own parents who did the best they could with what resources they had. One of the blessings we have as parents today is that there are TONS more Christian resources on raising children who have sexual and emotional integrity.
Chapter One: Pick Me, Pick Me
This chapter talks about the importance of being the person your child wants to come to when they have questions or when they need guidance on sexual issues. Obviously I already knew that – that’s why I’m reading lol. But, I was quite surprised as I read through the book what topics they included in that. For example: in the second part of the book, which I read together with Ariel, we will be discussing everything from the actual physical parts and “how babies are made” to issues like masterbation, lesbianism and experimentation. Seriously. Not looking forward to that chapter lol.
So here is a surprising stat that I learned in this chapter: 96% of parents state that they want to be their child’s primary source of information on sex – but only 24% say they actually were! OUCH! The top sources of sexual information? Their peers is the most common – not exactly a mature source!
My first information on sex came from my mom. I was about Ariel’s age, and I remember sitting on the couch, learning how babies were made. Apparently, I had almost walked in on my parents that morning so my mom gave me the basic details in order to explain why it was so important to knock. After that point, the majority of my sexual education came through school friends. That week, at school, my best friend and I decided that when we got married we were going to hide under the covers so we didn’t have to look lol. It was through school mates jokes and stories in the years that followed that I learned that sex can be dirty, exciting or naughty. Things like same-sex relationships and masterbation were learned about through these methods. Our church sunday school classes did have some lessons on waiting till marriage – but they were very basic and did not do much to answer my questions either. The rest of my sexual information came in the form of lectures and punishments after being caught actiing inappropriately – which resulted in a lot of guilt and shame.
When Dave and I started dating, we did talk about sex and decided we wanted to wait until we were married but that didn’t last. We lost our virginity to each other a few months into our relationship and regretted it immediately. I remember crying about it for weeks – both in front of him and alone. But I didn’t have anyone else to talk to. School friends thought it was cool, I was scared to tell my parents because I knew they would be angry and keep us apart and I was scared to talk to my sunday school teachers in case they told my parents. Three weeks later it happened again – and I remember feeling such shame. I remember thinking: “well that’s it, this is who I am now. What’s the point of trying to stop now, it’s to late anyway.”
Obviously now, as an adult, I know that’s not true. I know GOd would have forgiven me and enabled me forgive myself – but because I didn’t have an adult I felt I could talk to about it I lived with that guilt for years – and I didn’t see any reason to stop. After all – the only reason I had ever been given was to wait so I could give that to my husband on my wedding night and I’d already ruined that.
Do I think having someone to talk to would have STOPPED me? I don’t know – but I think so. I remember the months leading up to that night were full of a lot of questions. Our relationship was physically moving very fast and as an 16 year old I was curious, scared and full of questions. I had no idea how do deal with the questions and feelings I had. So could it have made a difference – probably.
Top Reasons Why Kids Don’t TalK With Their Parent’s About Sex:
1. It isn’t talked about in our house
2. They will freak out and think I want to or already am (—This would have been my reasoning at that age)
3. They don’t have sex, what do they know
Top Reasons Why Parent’s Don’t Talk About Sex
1. Think they child is to young
2. Rob their child of innocence with to much information
3. Might awaken sexual desires
4. Child doesn’t want to talk about it
5. Let the school program handle it
6. Don’t want to answer questions about my own past.
I don’t know what my parent’s reason were for not talking about sex openly but I know my reasons have been #2, 3 and 6 so this part of the book, where they address each of these concerns, was really great for me. Here are some of the things that I learned on the areas that worried me:
1. Innocence vs Ignorance:
There is a big difference between innocent and ignorance. Innocents is a state of heart, ignorance is a state of mind. Matthew 10:16 says we need to be both knowledgeable and pure at the same time and Hosea 4:6 says that the lack of knowledge is what destroys people. Lack of knowledge does not make you innocent. While I was reading this chapter, one story from my childhood came to mind. When I look back at the first years when I became interested in boys, I would have to say I was ignorant. My parents did a very good job of sheilding us from media (tv, etc) that could have given me a lot more information on what actually happens during sex which meant that I knew very little about sex beyond the basic text book stuff. So when the neighbor boy kissed me and put his hands down my shirt when I was 12 – I was to shocked and curious to think about saying no. It had never occured to me until that moment that a boy would want to do that. That ignorance left me unprepared to deal with that situation in an appropriate manner.
2. Awakening Sexual Desires:
I worry about this one. When I scanned through the book before I started reading – some of the topics shocked me. My worry was that if I discuss these things with my daughter I will increase the chances that she’ll want to try them. What this portion of the book made me think about was the fact that we are all sexual. Sex is a part of how God designed us and as children grow and reach puberty, they will become curious about their bodies and the opposite sex. There is no way around that. Unfortunately – there is no way to avoid that fact – and Ariel has begun showing the first signs of puberty already (I feel SO OLD just admitting that!!!). So, when children reach that age where they are maturing and becoming increasingly curious – the lack of appropriate information doesn’t curb their curiousity: it just leads to ignorance and confusion. Some details are not appropriate obviously (positions, frequency, etc) but the lack of healthy information can lead to unhealthy behaviours like voyeurism, pronography, habitual masterbation and in my own cause: seduction and promiscuity.
3. My Own Past:
This is one area that is hard for me. Growing up I had people – well meaning people – tell me that if I did it, I wouldn’t be able to teach my own children otherwise. I do believe in generational sin – but I also believe that God gives us the ability to break those bonds and I have done that for my children. But that doesn’t change the fact that it won’t take Ariel long to figure out that our May wedding is only 4 months before her September birthday. There is one line in this part of the book that really touched home: “They don’t need us to be rocks as much as they need us to be real.” Yes, we need to set good examples: but if I can learn to communicate honestly and openingly about my own past (without details of course), I am also telling her that I know what she is dealing with and I remember how it feels to be there. I know that when I was in high school, I had a hard time talking to my mom about relationships at all – never mind sex. My mom married her first serious boyfriend and they were engaged after dating 6 months. It was hard for me to imagine my mom every dealing with the tempations and feelings I was dealing with. I remember once, early in my adulthood, my mom mentioned something to me about a temptation just before their own wedding and that was the first time it struck me that my mom actually had to deal with saying no to. So – I am hoping that by being prepared to deal openly with Ariel’s questions about my own past, I will be able to help her understand that I really do know what it’s like: that I have been there.
Soo….. Ariel and I have set our first date for later this week to read the first chapter of the mother/daughter part. I’ll be blogging about how that goes as well – but only to a point. I want to make sure she knows she can trust me not to share her personal stuff with the world so I will avoid sharing to much.
