A Broken Heart
I will warn you in advance – this may be a long, rambling post. I have been through a very rough patch over the last 6 months and I’ve kept a lot of it bottled up inside. Partly because I don’t want to complain, partly because of pride, and partly because I don’t understand why some of this stuff happened. I know that’s kind of dumb – I’ve kept a lot of people out of my life – people who would have been able to help, people who would have been able to pray, etc. Anyway…
August 28th Dave turned 29 and we decided to have a party at our place. Dave and I are not big drinkers. We have the odd drink when we’re out for dinner or whatever. Anyway – I decided to get stuff to make him his favorite (ceasars) and some blue raspberry thing for me. The problem is that I don’t really know how to mix drinks and discovered this when I went through 26 shots of vodka in only 7 drinks. By the time someone noticed how strong I was making mine, I was well on my way to drunk. Very drunk. Which is both funny and embarassing in retrospect. This was my first time getting drunk since I was 19 (8 years for those who want to count lol). Anyway – I posted on facebook about it.
A few days later, I received a call from one of the ministries I am involved in at church. You see, I’ve posted about drinking to much in the past. I worked in an office at the time with no bathroom so these were not alcohol related comments. Just drinking in general (water, pop, etc). But I could understand that it looked bad and I understood that they had to be careful. I briefly shared my side of the story and agreed to take 2 months off and attend a personal ministry session to clear things up. At that point I was still okay.
Then, 2 weeks later I received a call from the prayer chain ministry. She had been informed that I had a “lifestyle” issue and so she removed me from the prayer chain. I think this is were the anger started. Despite the fact that I had explained that it wasn’t what they had thought, it felt like they were passing judgement without any consideration. And this wasn’t a public ministry. It was a confidential prayer chain that barely anyone knew I was part of. It felt like I was being told that my prayers were no longer good enough. I know Dave was pretty upset to but mostly because he say how much it was hurting me.
The following week I was in church during praise and worship and I was angry. I was praying and asking God why and He gave me a picture of someone in my life who has been hurt by the church. I haven’t been sympathetic or understanding to this person at all. God just said “Now you’ll understand” and I got it. I was glad to have a reason, excited to learn from this and see where God would move and determined not to let this situation get between me and God or me and my church.
Apparently it’s not that easy. I think my pride got in the way more then anything. The more I tried to be okay, the more I hurt. And before long that hurt became anger – anger at the people involved, anger at myself for not dealing better, anger at the church and finally anger at God. The problem with anger is that it takes over everything.
My life is quite different now then it was before this started. The more angry I got, the more alone I felt. Ironically, I never used to drink but I’ve been drunk more in the last 4 months then ever in my life before this. I know how sad that is, trust me. That’s the least of my problems. My relationship with my husband and children is suffering greatly – partly because of the stupid stuff I’ve done recently and partly because of the depression I am dealing with. Dave has been much better at dealing – and making sure we still go to church almost every week even though I often fight him on it. Sitting through praise and worship is hard. In addition to all this – I left my job a few months ago and being the one who was paying most of the bills, our finances have been a struggle while I look for a new job. And I brought someone back into our lives that God has told me a year ago that I needed to let go of and as a result I hurt my husband in a huge way. I don’t know why he puts up with me. I haven’t been able to be as involved in my children’s lives as I was/want to be and I know they notice. I have to intentionally try not to shut them out but at the same time not put my burdens on them and it’s a really really thin line that I’m not sure I’m doing a very good job of not crossing. I guess in the end, I let me anger turn that “lifestyle issues” statement into a prophetic statement because now I most definitely do have issues.
I guess mainly I feel abandoned – by my church and by God. I know that’s not the case – I know He’s there waiting for me to come back. And yet I feel blocked. In the past, when things get hard, I listen to praise and worship or read a good book and it brings me back to Him. Now praise and worship just makes me angry. I feel broken. And I don’t know how to fix it.
I know things are changing slowly. The last few weeks in church the praise and worship hasn’t made me angry – just sad. I think I’ve reached that place where I want to get back to Him, where I want to heal. The part where I should be going to Sozo and asking for prayer – but my mind still fights that. The church is the only place where I can find healing – and yet it’s the church that hurt me and that makes it so hard to want to go there. But I know I need to.
Well wow.. a friend on FB sent me here and I am so glad she did. First off let me say that as a Christian I apologize for the poor decisions of some within the body of Christ towards you. I just cannot even begin to tell you all the things I need to say.. The things that God wants you to hear in this space. Stand up and fight that demon of depression and fear. You fell now get up and move on. It is sad how people make assumptions about others but do not want the same practice applied when it comes to things concerning them. and sadly this happens all too often in the body of Christ. You got hurt by the very individuals who should have been there to help you get back up and move on with life instead they pushed you farther down by acting as though your mistake made you unworthy of being a part of the body. That was wrong. Especially when you explained the situation. I am so angry for you …You were hurt and angry at the representations of God which were not exactly the best in this situation… if you want to talk please feel free to email me at the email above…
I am so sorry about your hurt. I have an anger issue when I feel wronged too, and it is soooo difficult to get over it sometimes. I will pray for you, that you will find your healing in God and with your church. I am sending cyber hugs your way too!
Chrys, I have thought about this all day. Finally breaking down and commenting. I know nothing really about the situation so you can take what I say with major doses of salt. You can also delete this, I won’t be offended in the slightest.
Here’s my thoughts. You are angry because this community, that you appear to have given your heart and soul to, is not willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, not even when you have explained yourself very forthrightly. Why they are not willing to do this, I don’t know.
Perhaps they don’t know you very well (that seems doubtful). Or perhaps they are so concerned about appearances that they are not willing to put your sober Christian lifestyle of years in one hand, this single night in the other — which in other circumstances would be very funny! — and make a reasonable judgment call. You are willing to forgive them, it seems, but they are not willing to forgive you, at least not yet. You feel betrayed because this response just does not seem to recognize your level of commitment to or caring for this church at all. Maybe the people within it even have a habit of looking at people as either “worldly and sinning” or “pure and saved,” and they have just plunked you into the first category.
Frankly, to me, there is a word for this kind of treatment: abusive. Imagine that your daughter comes home drunk one night … and unlike most teens, has a rock-solid reason. It was an accident. She didn’t realize the strength of what she was drinking. Would you then stop praying for her? Exclude her from family activities? Of course you wouldn’t, not even if she got stupid-drunk on purpose and threw up all over your floor.
I don’t know what will happen here; maybe your church will reconsider. Maybe you will find a different church. Maybe it will all work out the way you hope. But I still feel that this situation the way you describe it is not how someone should be treated. I know this goes to the very root of your beliefs and it must be extremely unpleasant. I am really sorry, but these experiences can lead to a lot of growth. Just be careful not to beat yourself up about this and take on blame that isn’t yours.
Oh my sweet sweet Chrys! I want to come over and hold you and just let you cry or yell or whatever, but it’s 11:32pm. Tomorrow’s Tuesday, and I realize now what a negative influence I’ve been by offering drinks when I host. I became a member of our church 2 weeks ago, and I made a promise to be a good example, so I will. I love you, and I commend you for sharing so openly, because as you can see, people care – even complete strangers.
I love you Crystal!!!
I too have had a situation where i was hurt by church…felt ostrisized from God, and wasn’t sure what was causing this wall…it takes time and patience and some soul searching to bring yourself back…As for Dave…that is what being in a relationship with somebody that loves you so much!! Though sicker and poorer, for better and for worse…You are worthy no matter what you think…you are worthy to God, to your husband, your children, and to the church body…you are an amazing woman and i hope that you can find comfort in knowing that when oyu feel your lowest, is in fact when God is holding you the closest….prayers and hugs, good luck with everything…
I just wanted to say you took a huge step at healing by opening up. All the best to you and your family
I love you no matter what…and the sad truth is, all to often it is those very ones we have come to trust the most…our Church family, that cause us the greatest hurt and pain, and this kind of hurt and pain is the hardest to understand and get over..and Satan, the roaring lion, will “jump” on this because he knows it’s there where the greatest damage can be done if possible….to draw you as far away from God as he can….what greater victory is there for him than that?. But remember sweetie…people are after all only human, and have and will continue to make foolish decisions based all to often on lack of information (This is out of our hands) and all for the cause of “doing right” for God’s kingdom…oh how often do we sadden God with our “doing right” decisions…but one thing I just want to encourage you in…how you deal with their bad decisions is totally in your hands..So stand faithful Girlie, because no matter what others do or say, you can always know that God is faithful and there with you. Continue in your prayers for others…your prayers ARE important and heard by Him. And like I so many times use to say to you kids as you were growing up…..Don’t let others foolish actions, rob you of your connection and life with God. Be stubborn and selfish in this….here those two things are allowed and good.
Mommy will be praying for you!